My whole heart, mind, body and spirit need refreshing. I feel it down deep that I need to start breathing in some newness. It’s been over a year now since I expierened the loss of a dear friend. I was committed to seeing perfect healing manifest in her life but it just didn’t happen here on earth. She is perfect now and with Jesus so duh! That’s great….. But for those of us left behind the ache is deep. The ache is daily. The questioning haunts me. The second guessing. The fear. The anxiety. The vulnerability. Yeah all that good stuff still lingers heavy with me. I feel the need to get away. To change up my senery. To do something drastic just to shake it off. Grief is weird and I have no idea what “works” but so far it seems like my best bet! But who knows?!

This statement is currently running through my head daily. Did I not really believe?!? Cause frick!!!!!! It sure felt like I did!! And then I get a moment of clarity and I know that I did. I know that I do! I do believe and I will see so much goodness ahead. I will be strong again but for right now I will just hold on. 

Xo!

S
 

So yesterday I was a total downer. I’m sorry. But it was so real. I literally wanted to just throw in the towel and run away! Buuuut His mercies are new every morning!!

We looked for funny shapes in the clouds, read books, and talked about our favorite part of the day! It was so sweet and I’m actually looking forward to tomorrow! 
Now please everyone please just stay asleep until 7:00am! #fingerscrossed 
Xo!

S

Of bad attitudes. Mine included. 

Having kids is so freaking hard. You wanna know why?! Because you can’t control them!!! They are real people with real feelings, opinions, and attitudes. 

When people make statements that kids are a product of their environment or that kids are a reflection of the way they’re parented it has currently been making my skin crawl and heart race with anxiety. I instantly feel sized up and like a failure  because though I’m freaking busting my ass in this parenting game at times it truly does appear as though my children are raised by wolves! They are so ridiculously strong willed that at 3 and 4 years old they will say no to me without even batting an eye and continue on with whatever they are doing. I try and be a calm cool and collected mom and it gets me nowhere. I try and be a yes mom and it only ends up driving me insane. I try being very strict and they aren’t phased. At times I even go insane and behave like a foolish child myself and raise my voice and shout out threats that I may or may not follow through with and again they could care less. It’s truly mind blowing at times. I’m currently in a moment or week or month or year… Who knows… of total weakness. I feel like I couldn’t be more under this whole motherhood thing. I am without a doubt failing. I’m out of energy and ideas. 

I just wrote all of that to just get it off my chest. I’m not seeking advice. I don’t even know if anyone out there is reading this. But whatever. I said it.
Maybe I’ll start doing a daily wrap up of how things are panning out over here. If I try new stuff- what works what doesn’t. Hopefully small victories and an entirely new season shortly! 
Sooooo… Until next time I’ll just be here trying to hang on. 

😩😜😆

Xo!

S